Today was much better than the last few I've experienced. I talked to my mom yesterday and she said something. She said that when you meet the right person, you'll just kind of know there is something there right away. I didn't believe her at the time, but later that I night I was chatting with my brother and sister-in-law about how they met, and it was just like how my mom had said. I slept okay and woke up this morning. Church was good and lifted my spirits quite a bit. I came home and started thinking. I thought that what they were talking about just didn't happen to me. Then I remembered something. My old girlfriend from back in high school, Kerri, had been like that. The first time I talked to her, I liked her and I couldn't stop. When we finally did start dating, it was amazing.
I don't have any regrets in that relationship. I was bitter for a long time when it ended, but with time I've gotten over everything. I've realized something very important about myself though, and Kerri. My first year home from my mission I didn't date a lot, because I was looking for someone like Kerri. I'm not saying I was trying to find her clone or anything, but someone with the same characteristics. I never did find anyone that first year, and I think I lost track of what I was looking for after that.
All the other girls I've dated haven't had that spark at the beginning. I've become friends with them and then developed feelings for them over time. It was never like an instant flame that just kindled when we first met, and none of them have had those same characteristics and qualities that Kerri had. I realized that I've just lost what I'm looking for. Ever since I've had this revelation, I haven't been bothered about this past week again. I wouldn't say I'm completely myself again yet, but there's no more pain, anger, any of that.
Actually, I'm trying to find someone that I could ask on a practice date that would help me get back into the arena of sorts. Brock wants to ask a girl on a date in a few weeks, and wanted me to double with him. At first, I told him I didn't feel ready to date again yet, but I think I can do it now. I'm also going to be a lot more open to letting people set me up with someone they know. I figure I haven't done a very good job of finding someone myself, maybe they'll do better.
It is strange though. I don't think I've ever gotten to this point after a breakup so fast before. I have some good experiences and memories with Mandy, but I've let it all go and I'm moving on. Honestly, I feel like I was basically toyed with for the last 6 months, if not the last year. She had to have had those feelings about Chance the whole time we were dating, yet she continued to let me believe that I was her true love.
Either way, I'm preparing myself to get back into things, and I'm going to come out swinging.
Today's theme song: The Middle ~ Jimmy Eat World
U-Turns and Revelations
3 Years, 3 Hours, and 1800 Minutes
3 years ago today, I boarded a plane leaving the beloved people of Indonesia behind, to return again to my country. It was a hurricane of mixed emotions: sadness, joy, excitement, fear, and many more. I feel many of the same emotions on this anniversary day.
3 hours of restless sleep last night. I laid awake in bed thinking, reliving the past. Oddly enough, I don't feel tired at all. I like to think I probably got the same amount of sleep the first time I slept in my bed on American soil after my mission too, and for similar reasons. Shock can do funny things to people.
1800 minutes without eating. I didn't eat for 30 hours. This one actually scares me. I wasn't hungry when I ate, I just knew I needed to eat something. It can't be healthy to not eat for more than a day. The food was tasteless, and I felt miserable after eating it. Usually Taco Bell is a treat for me, but today it left me feeling worse than before.
I played soccer with Dan and some others today. I didn't mean to, I felt like crap this morning. I just started walking and my feet took me to the park. I found them playing and joined in. I'd like to say it was fun, but I got tired quickly and wasn't playing all that well. I wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to play soccer in the first place.
After that, I stayed with Dan and Alice for a few hours and shared the recent happenings with them. I just want this to be over. I guess only time can truly cure me of this numbness to life. It's nice to know that even though I haven't been the best at keeping in contact with people, my friends still care about me... they try to help, but nothing helps.
The best thing that happened today is that Susan, my land lady, came over today and was talking about some kind of problem with the AC that I didn't know existed. She told me that I could move into the main house area of the apartment for the same rent as what I was currently paying. This is the first answer to my long prayers. I've been so lonely, and now I live in a place where there are other people walking around, to talk to. I got the basement bedroom that I wanted to get in the first place. It's a little roomier and fits my stuff better.
I also went to go see Up tonight with Brock. It was a good movie. I really liked how the story was told, although it was probably not a good movie for me to see right now. I do have to say it was probably one of my favorite Pixar movies. I would say WALL-E, but I don't know if I can watch that one again. Too many connections.
Well, I'm going to take a cold shower and lie in my bed for however long it takes me to sleep. Church is in the morning. I pray that it will be uplifting. Oh yeah, still no red days.
Today's Theme Song: That's What You Get ~ Paramore.
Sepertinya hatiku dibakar di atas api yg sangat dingin
I think the title of this post would make a great Indonesian song. I'll have to try to write my own lyrics for it someday. Today could have been better. Actually, I don't think it could've been worse. But I'm going to focus on the positive here. I went to the temple this morning. It was really cool. I've never been to the Salt Lake City temple before. The live sessions were neat, although it did take longer. I barely got to work on time. I'm going to buy temple clothes and try to make it a daily thing here in the future. Once I have money...
Work was difficult. I'm having problems with the mp3 program that has been going so smoothly. I'm not sure if it's legitimate problems, or problems caused by my lack of focus. Either way, things aren't looking great for having a reading and writing ID3 tag editor in some kind of functioning state by Monday.
I talked to Bishop Petersen today. The only person I've talked to all day that's been able to comfort me. I'm glad I thought of calling him... of course, who did I have left? I couldn't call my family, I don't have any friends... I'm alone in this Zion. But I'll make through my struggles. I don't know what's going to happen, but I know I've been promised certain blessings, and I'll receive them when the time is right.
I've been making my self some self improvement programs. Things are going pretty good. I've some calendars up and running to track my progress. No red days yet... course, it's only been two days, but I intend to keep those calendars free of red. I also went over to Dan and Alice's tonight, just to be around some people. It felt good for a change. I'm alone at work, at home... I just don't get to be with people very often. And now I feel lonelier than ever.
Theme song for today: Berhenti Berharap ~ Sheila on 7 (30 hari mencari cinta).
Only because Api yg Sangat Dingin hasn't been made yet.
Shattering Glass Arm
It's been a while, but my internship is going good. I can't remember if I wrote about it at all before, but I'm going to write about it here. I'm doing an internship with the church in their ICS (Information and Communications Systems) department. It's been a great experience so far. I'm learning a great deal about the industry and about programming in general.
My first project has to deal with downloadable conference talk mp3s. Somebody has brought it to the attention of the Audio Visual department that their ID3 tags for their mp3 files are inconsistent and sometimes just flat-out wrong. I have to write a program that will process all the mp3 files and write their ID3 tag information to a .csv report file. .csv is like an excel spreadsheet, basically. I got that part done a while ago and was able to run the program on all the files today. It worked like a charm and processed over 9,000 files in less than 3 minutes. I was pretty excited about that. The next part will be to build a tool that can be used to edit massive amounts of mp3 files at once. It's going to be tricky, but I think it will be fun.
I talked on the phone with mandy for a long time today. It was good to have a real conversation with her. We haven't had one for a while. That's really all I'm going to say about that though. Porcupine Tree is my new favorite band for this week.
On a gospel note, it's been an amazing experience to work so close to the temple and to work for the church. In a way, I kind of feel like I'm a missionary again, and it's not just because I have to wear a tie to work every day. It's great knowing that what I'm doing is helping the Lord's kingdom. Even if it seems like a small, rather insignificant aspect. I mean, correctly tagged MP3 files aren't going to be the diffrence in someone's salvation or not, but it does affect the kingdom in it's own way. It's pretty humbling, really. I'm so glad that I'm experiencing this wonderful oppurtunity.
Actually, I really wanted to work at USAA instead of the church. USAA is a great company and their services are also very admirable and I'm sure I'd feel almost just as accomplished there as I do here. But to be honest, ever since I've started this internship, I haven't thought of USAA once. Mandy mentioned it tonight, and it dawned on me that I'd never even thought about it since I started working here. Well, I'm off to read and get to bed. Big day tomorrow. I get to start writing the ID3 tag editing part of the application.